You did it. Without even knowing what you were doing you brought up a sensitive topic to a friend or a co-worker or maybe even a client.
It may have been as simple as “Do you have any children?” or “Are you going home to see family for the holidays?” Maybe it was a friend you haven’t seen for awhile, so you ask, “How is your brother doing?”
Unfortunately unbeknownst to you, that person is no longer speaking to the family member (or their whole family). What now?
1- Be Present
You personally may not understand anything about family estrangement since you have not experienced it for yourself. However, that doesn’t mean you will not be able to help them.
Being there to provide a space for them to talk can be one of the best things you can do for them. Tune into where they are interested in taking this conversation now.
2- Talk or Not to Talk
Let them decide if they want to talk about it or not. In order to find out which way they want the conversation to go, be sure to listen. Really listen.
Some people want a safe place to vent. Others want to do everything they can to avoid the topic. Let them take the lead on where the discussion goes or if there even will be a discussion around it.
3- Offer to spend some time with them
Maybe a cup of coffee would be nice or invite them out to an activity where they can feel included. Some people dealing with estrangement issues isolate themselves because they feel ‘out of place’.
4- Reach out to them
Whether it’s with phone calls, emails, or letters…Let them know you are thinking of them during holidays or even without a holiday – “just because”.
5- Don’t judge
This would seem like an obvious action, yet many people tend to judge without realizing it with the way they bombard the other person with questions or comments like “Well, they are family so you guys will have to figure it out!”
6- Keep it to yourself
Ever think about why you as a co-worker with this person for 5 years had never heard about this? Or why even though you have been friends with this person for years and granted you haven’t seen each other for a few months, you had no idea this was going on?
Well, it’s because estrangement issues are not something we shout from the rooftops. It would be most beneficial for you to honor your relationship with this person by not sharing this information. If they wanted the whole office to know about this, they would have shared it. Just because you happened to stumble upon it does not mean it is your job to tell everyone else at work or spread it to your same circle of friends.
7- Share
Are you familiar with an uplifting book, website, or movie you think they might appreciate? Given under the most heartfelt pretenses, this may be the thing they need at that moment to give them strength within their situation.
“Our most difficult task as a friend is to offer understanding when we don’t understand.”
~Robert Brault
Dealing with family conflict can be very fragile. Being a good friend during good times is easy. Yet it is during the difficult time that we learn who our real friends are.
You can choose to accept your friend, co-worker, neighbor, classmate, etc. for who they are and demonstrate an act of kindness to them all the while giving them support during this very delicate time in their life.
Which of these tips resonated with you that you will use when confronted with this situation? Please share your thoughts below.
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These are really great tips. This is a topic that isn’t talked about much and can be challenging on both sides for sure.
Michele Bergh recently posted…12 Steps to Taking Control of Your Life Today
Thank you for your comment Michele. The topic seems to have a sense of ‘stigma’ attached to it. I believe it is time to remove this so that people are able to address it and heal even if the situation is unable to be changed.
What excellent tips Elda. Your kind compassion shines through in everything you write!
Deborah Weber recently posted…Fool: P is for…
Thank you for your generous words of encouragement Deborah. Much appreciated.
Such a great article. As a psychotherapist I struggle sometimes to be just a friend without letting myself be a therapist with friends.
Anna recently posted…Sunday Postcard- Night in London
Thanks for sharing Anna. I can see how that might be a challenge to switch thinking caps.
What great advice! And I know you wrote this to be about estrangement, but really, this can apply to so many hard things in life. These are good points for people dealing with loss too. I guess, that’s probably because in a way, estrangement is a form of loss, a loss of a relationship.
Melissa recently posted…Short Story: This Is My Mountain
Thank you Melissa. Most definitely, these tips may be used for a variety of situations that are delicate in matter. Great awareness on your part! Yes, estrangement is considered a HUGE loss. (that’s probably a whole other post)
Oh Elda – wise words here today. I think they can be applied in other aspects of friendship as well. I’m driven to really listen to people when they speak. As a result my radar is always up for folks who aren’t really listening. So few really do. When I meet someone who is a wonderful listener I feel an instant connection.
Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…How My Sister Nurtured My Kids
Oh Kelly, we must be kindred spirits! Listening is so important to me. I feel it makes a person feel special. Listening = Loving.
Thanks for the great tips Elda! Family estrangement is not an easy topic to talk about and it’s far more prevalent than we know. Being present and listening at a deep level are gifts we can offer to people who are estranged from their families. Sometimes all they want and need is someone to listen to them and not advice.
Nancy Jambor recently posted…Living Authentically
My goal is for people to be able to feel free enough to discuss their estrangement so that they can find a way to heal through those emotions. As you mentioned Nancy, it is much more prevalent than people realize. Thanks for visiting!
Great tips! Love the blog post and the advice. Thanks for sharing.
Mary recently posted…Sitting With Pain (Motivation Monday)
Welcome Mary! Thanks for visiting.
I’d like to add that it’s important to respect our friends’ boundaries and not go where we’re not invited. Just because a subject comes up with a friend doesn’t mean that I’m invited to inquire more deeply. I do my best to tread gently, to give lots of space and respect boundaries as much as I possibly can when sensitive subjects arise. Of course I’m not always great at it, but my overriding desire is to respect other people’s personal, emotional boundaries, and only enter when the invitation is clear.
Harmony Harrison recently posted…The Ridiculous Strikes Back! Two Acts of Artsy Silliness Revealed (plus a possible third, if you dare)
Great point Harmony. Boundaries are so important to be made clear and to be respected. Thanks for your comment.
These are helpful tips, Elda, often I don’t know what to do when i encounter a situation that I have no experience with. Although, no, I know what to do, I remember directing a few people to your site around Christmas when everyone was complaining about having a hard time with/without family.
Tat recently posted…Learning from children: don’t give up!
You are so kind Tatiana! It’s very good of you to support your friends in the best way you know how.
Wow, Elda. You are so right with this. I love especially about letting THEM take the lead in where the conversation goes, whether or not you even talk more about it. This is very good advice.
Have you read What We Say Matters? It is such a good book. This post reminds me of it.
Have a wonderful day, Elda!
Amy Putkonen recently posted…i ching #24: Returning
Thanks for the book suggestion Amy. I will look into that.
The most respectful way for us to respond would be to follow the other person’s lead on whether or not they would like to discuss it. Thanks for your comment!
I have found that one can never go wrong…if they just choose to listen.
Very true Debbie. If they ‘choose’. Thanks!