When something goes wrong is your first thought, “I wonder whose fault this is?” Brené Brown has this funny video where she describes this type of person as being ‘a blamer’. Are you a blamer?
Someone’s Fault
If you find yourself being a blamer, ask yourself this: Why does it have to be someone’s fault? She explains it as how this gives us a semblance of control. However in their research they have found that BLAME is simply the discharging of ‘discomfort and pain’. The visual in the video really brings the point home well.
I found it quite interesting to note that she mentions that blame has an inverse relationship with accountability because accountability welcomes vulnerability and requires people to talk things out instead of just discharging our anger at the other person.
Excuses
So, I was thinking… there may be a whole variety of excuses that a person may not want to ‘talk things out’ and instead choose to blame the other person.
Remember: Blame = discharge anger
Here are some common excuses.
- I don’t have time to sit and talk this out with them
- They won’t listen to me so why bother
- This is their fault so why should I be the one to try to talk this out?
I am sure there are many more excuses that I have forgotten and yet I think it would benefit us to dig down and ask ourselves if the price of ‘being right’ with whatever our excuse may be is worth not sitting down and talking through it because by continuing to blame the other person doesn’t get us anywhere.
We don’t ever get to see things from their ‘reality’ and what’s going on in their mind and as noted in the quote below, we are also missing out on holding the other person accountable if we continue to sit in quiet anger.
“People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and the grit to hold people accountable because we spend all of our energy raging for 15 seconds and figuring out whose fault something is.”
-Brené Brown
What did you think of her video? Can you think of a situation where you might have gone straight to being a blamer? How could things be different by changing this? Please share your thoughts below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Mmmmm, I’ll be thinking on this one. I don’t think I’m a “blamer”, but I will start paying more attention to my thoughts when things go wrong. Nice post!
Debbie Goode recently posted…Mikey is Finished……
I enjoy how Brené Brown uses humor when she explains things and she was quick to admit that she was describing herself. Thanks for the comment, Debbie.
I love Brené Brown. She is so good at getting to the meat of it all. My husband and I love to make a game of this blaming feature. Yeah, we do it a lot to each other but we point it out and laugh about it. Humor is the best thing for defusing our human weaknesses with each other.
That’s awesome that you are able to turn it around and add humor to it. I always admire people who can laugh together about situations. Thanks for sharing, Amy!
Great video, and I agree it’s helpful how Brene both uses humor and research to make her points. Imagine how different things would be if we could entirely get rid of the blame game, and instead held accountability and honest communication as standards we operated under.
This is a very timely topic for me Elda as I recently did something unthinkingly that created a challenge for a friend, and I’m experiencing some serious discomfortable about my behavior. Time to take our conversation a little deeper, and deeper again if we need to, in order to sort this through without my resorting to the pain of self-blame.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Manifesto: D is for…
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience, Deborah. I appreciate how you brought up that we even need to avoid self-blame. Sometimes we can be harder on ourselves than anyone else ever would be.
Thanks for the wonderful blog Elda! I love how Brene communicates & this video was the first in cartoon format I’ve seen her do.
Blame is destructive when we blame others & don’t forget we can blame ourselves too. I have done that many times in my life. I used to beat myself up!
Not much anymore & if I do it’s short lived.
Once again great messages my friend! Thank you!❤️
Thanks for the visit, Connie! What a relief when we learn to not blame even ourself anymore, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the thought provoking post Elda! I love Brene Brown. One way to avoid playing the blame game is to practice having “intentional conversations” with others. The older and wiser I become, I am able to look at my part in any disagreement or confrontation. There are always two sides to every story.
Nancy Jambor recently posted…Trust Yourself
Oooohhh…”intentional conversations”. What a great phrase. I have heard the word intentional being used in so many parts of our life and yet I had not heard it this way. Thanks Nancy! Makes so much sense.
Great video! I love the humor as well Elda. Even more so I love the message. I think I’m going to share the video in a class tonight as were just talking about the importance of leaving blame out when dealing with customer issues (most customers don’t care whose fault it is, they just want things fixed.) Thank you for this! *It’s also a good reminder for me!!
I’m so glad you enjoyed it and will find it useful for your class tonight, Jeanette. Awesome!!
Funny, you mention it with customer service because you’re exactly right. Back when I was a General Manager for a large company, I used to tell my employees and managers that exact statement, “they don’t care whose fault it is, they just want it fixed!” Great reminder, thanks!
What an adorable video. I love the illustrations. And yes, blame is a sad sad replacement for intimacy and vulnerability. I think its funny too that the more sophisticated we get psychologically the more subtle the blame becomes. Like her, “If he hadn’t kept me up, then….” Very nice post Elda.
I think that was my favorite part of the video. I laughed out loud because when you see her say that and put it that way it sounds silly.
Thanks for pointing that part of the video out, Kimberly.
It was a big topic to reflect on during my psychotherapy training. The purpose of it was for us to realize that if we blame others, we will never be able to take a lead in our own life, therefore we will always be dependent on others. No much happiness comes from it.
Excellent way to explain that. Thank you, Anna!