When you are at the point of being angry or filled with tears of sadness, what’s the first thought that comes to your mind? Is it about how or what we may have done to come to this conclusion or is it automatically the thought of, “But…THEY are to blame!”
Our human instinct is towards self-preservation so it is natural for us to have thoughts of placing blame somewhere other than really looking at it in depth as to why we feel that way.
All this over two sentences
A few days ago, I received an email from an estranged family member that threw me for a loop. I mean seriously, like I have not experienced in such a long time. It wasn’t even a long email. But it was enough to send me into a downward spiral. All of this happened over two sentences. However, as we all know when it is concerning someone near and dear to our heart, that can be all that it takes.
These are the steps that I took to overcome this as quickly and effectively as I could.
Addressing our emotions
The first thing that we must do is to address the underlying emotion or feelings around it. If we can get to the point of totally letting go of those emotions, than the thoughts that come with those feelings will be replaced with a thought that handles the matter more quickly.
I was so overtaken with emotion and realizing my deep despair. I allowed it to flow through me. I mean FULLY flow. Once I allowed that process to complete I realized a needed someone to share with me a different perspective instead of what I was seeing.
Reach out to someone
We can dramatically reduce the intensity by sharing this feeling with a trusted friend or mentor. It’s important to choose someone who can make a positive interjection and not allow us to wallow in our emotions. We need a different perspective on things instead of someone who will just go along with what we say as we spiral deeper into this emotional state.
If we submerge our self into groups where each person jumps on the bandwagon of the same negative thoughts that we are having, how will we ever get out of the downward spiral? Are we trying to justify that life is rotten and that this is hopeless? How much are we willing to pay to prove that we are right and the other person is to blame?
The fisherman with a pail of crabs
There is a famous story of a fisherman walking along a beach who was approached by a man telling him he better put a cover on his pail filled with crabs or they would get out.
The fisherman replied, “There is no need for that. You see as one crab crawls up the side of the pail to get out, the other crabs reach up and grab him and pull him back down. So there’s no need for a cover.”
Surround yourself ONLY with people who are going to lift you HIGHER.
– Oprah Winfrey
Thankfully I swallowed my pride and reached out to people who immediately shared with me different ways to look at the situation. I may not have liked what they said and yet it was what I needed to hear. I guess you could say, they knocked some sense into me in the gentlest way possible… with much love.
What’s the payoff?
There is always a payoff to blame. Do we feel better playing the victim while the other person gets to be the bad one?
If we are honest with our self, we will find that it is not really a matter of who is right or wrong no matter how justified the circumstance appears to be.
It is a matter of taking responsibility for our own consciousness. We can see it as a choice to blame. Why must there always be a wrong and a right or why must there be someone at fault here? Blaming oneself, or others is not necessary.
The unwillingness to let go of the blame continues the emotional crippling, which can go on for years and for some families with estrangement, whole lifetimes.
What a relief
I am so grateful I was to be able to look at things through a different lens. Now as I reflect on it, I can find some humor in my reaction although at the time, there was nothing AT ALL funny about it.
I am extremely grateful for both my personal and professional list of friends who are there for me and can quickly get me to see the light and spread more love, which is the essence of what I strive for.
Even though I had never once used the words ‘blame’ when speaking of what happened in that email, I knew deep down, that was what it was all about. I have since surrendered the need to blame the other person.
What a relief in my heart.
How does blame play a part in your life? Do you have a strong support system lifting you higher or a pail of crabs pulling you down?
Please share in the comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
What a great and timely post, Elda. I found myself playing the blame game recently (I was right, of course :-)) and suddenly realized it was only hurting me. Your advice to get objective perspective from someone who will tell it as they see it (very different from someone who’s always on the ready to be “educating” you about the only right way to see things – have jettisoned few of those of late) is spot on. I have dear friend I call when I need an ear but also an honest read on how I’m perceiving things. Wish she were closer but even time on the phone with her is priceless. Thanks for the reminder that feelings get in the way of sense. I’ll remember to take a deep breath, pause and reach out the next time I feel compelled to react thanks to your cogent comments.
Nanette Levin recently posted…Online small business marketing done right
You’re right on when you say, “It is only hurting me.” When we are in the moment of it all, it’s hard to see that.
As I shared how I was going to handle the situation, I was told I was ‘being ridiculous’. At the time this made me mad, yet now I can clearly see how I was truly ‘being ridiculous’.
Thank goodness for phones and email. Each of the people I reached out to were from out of state and one is even in another country! It didn’t matter to me though, because each of them were able to assist me in their own way.
So glad you have your dear friend to lean on and that you will remember to breathe and pause. Big hugs to you Nanette!
Awesome stuff in this read! I too find I often need a different or new perspective when negative situations arise. Sometimes it is so difficult to move past the hurt, but as with many things I do find that time and ‘honest’ reflection often heal those wounds.
Thank you Debbie! I appreciate how you noted ‘honest’ reflection can heal the hurt. Quite true.
Great tip Elda, and good for you for reaching out for help in re-framing that message. It’s really good to have people in your life who can help you do that.
But I also believe it’s possible to help train people to do it as well. When people feel they are actually supporting you by telling you your current perspective is correct, even though you know it’s spirally you someplace you don’t want to go – I think it can be helpful to state what it is you want. A new perspective; another way to look at this; something that pulls you out of well-worn ruts of habitual thinking into something different. I find it can be useful to tell people clearly what it is you need when you’re feeling wobbly.
I like what you say about being responsible for our level of consciousness. This is such a sovereign and powerful way to show up in the world.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Celebrating Sensitivity
As you mentioned Deborah, habitual thinking is usually what gets us into trouble so that is why it is good to get another person’s viewpoint.
Thank you for your comment!
Elda, Thank you for your eloquent expression of profound wisdom! It’s no surprise that the timing of your words was perfect for me and they made it a bit easier to release some of the recent frustration I feel toward some of my family members. I am reminded of the truism that says ‘if you think you are enlightened, visit your family of origin.’ Thanks for the reminder that releasing blame is a big step on the journey to be Awake! I intend to quit hitting the snooze button so often on my journey to awakening!
Mary Welch recently posted…Full Blossom
I am so glad that this post was helpful for you at this specific time in regards to family conflict, Mary.
I appreciate your kind words and your comment. (LOVE the quote!)
I saw “Into the Woods” a bit back, and the “Who’s to Blame?” song. Blaming the other person can be a way to avoid responsibility–especially when you know that you had a huge part in the bad things that happened. On the other hand, sometimes it is necessary to establish what actually happened so that you and the other people can fix the problem and not have it recur.
SKJAM! recently posted…Open Thread: Nephew’s Wedding
Usually when people choose to use the word ‘blame’ whether it is in a work setting or a personal environment, they are not really looking for a solution. Most people choose the word blame when they want to wash their hands of the situation and not dig deeper.
I know it sounds like it may be about semantics, however that is usually how the emotions get involved so deeply in these cases.
Thanks for your comment Scott.