When we are driving a car, it’s important to have a rearview mirror, right? However, do we have our eyes constantly glued to the rearview mirror as we are driving? What would happen if we did that?
The same is true with life and relationships.
If Only
Some people live in the mindset of ‘if only’. Certainly you have met someone like that or perhaps you find yourself saying those words, ‘if only that didn’t happen’ or ‘if only she didn’t act that way’ or ‘if only he hadn’t said that’.
What comes next is, ‘when she starts acting this way’ or ‘when he says he’s sorry’ then… our relationship can improve. The dreaded ‘WHEN’.
The Long List vs. The Short List
We all carry two lists in our heads. There is the long list for everything that bothers us about the other person or maybe it’s a long list of excuses of why our relationship is not working. It is filled with what’s wrong with that person (in our eyes).
Then there’s the short list. This list is everything that we appreciate about that person or what’s right with that person (again, in our eyes).
It is quite amazing how often we might find ourselves referring to the long list. When do we make the effort to share the items from the short list? What are we waiting for? For some people those words are only spoken when we attend a funeral.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
– Nelson Mandela
Holding A Grudge
I still remember the first time I heard this Nelson Mandela quote many years ago and what a huge impact it had on me. I was the Queen of holding grudges.
Anytime someone wronged me, I could remember when it was, what they said or did, what I was wearing, if it was raining outside etc., etc. Actually, it was kind of ridiculous how much I remembered.
Most of the time the other person didn’t even realize I was holding a grudge and even when they did, it sure didn’t affect them the way it did me. What an important lesson this quote was for me!
Glued To The Rearview Mirror
Being glued to rearview mirror doesn’t help us while we are driving and it certainly doesn’t help us in our relationships. Imagine what a difference it would make in our life if when we think of this challenging person, we do so in a different light.
Instead of being glued to the rearview mirror, how about reading from the ‘short list’ daily to remind us of their wonderful qualities or positive actions we may have experienced.
The Past And The Future
We can’t change the past. By living in the ‘present’ We can change the future. We can review the past so that we can learn from it and yet we don’t want to spend our time glued to the rearview mirror instead of looking at what we can control ahead of us.
We are in charge of how we perceive things in our future. Which direction will you go?
I recently read this quote and found it quite relevant to this topic.
“While you are using every part of you to keep a closing door open, you are missing out on the fresh air wafting through the open ones up ahead.”
–Deborah Gleason
What bit of fresh air might you be missing out on? Please share in the comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
What a wise post Elda. And what a wonderful quote from Nelson Mandela! Wouldn’t it be great if we all taught that early on and avoided all the ways we harmed ourselves by holding on to what we could simply let go of.
Yes, what a HUGE difference it would make in many lives if we learned these lessons early on, Deborah. However, as Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
Your rear view mirror analogy is so effective, Elda. I also found your long and short list discussion interesting. It is sad that most of us often have a longer list to draw on for issues than qualities. I’ll be working on the shift ;-).
Nanette Levin recently posted…Smart small business owners watch great public speakers
So glad to hear you found this useful, Nanette. It is sad, and yet it is so true for most people. I think it’s just natural for most people to find the ‘nit-picking’ of another person and how this or that drives us crazy. We don’t want to bear ourselves up though either. Check out the Maya Angelou quote I shared above with Deborah. Thanks for your comment!
Hi Elda,
Great quote by Mandela. I sometimes struggle with this, too. The gravitational pull of resentment is sometimes strong, but it is so much better to resist.
I really like how you worded that, Amy…’gravitational pull of resentment.’ Our bodies just want us to feel safe so it automatically acts in a way that it thinks is best. Once we have awareness, then we can do something about it, just like in the Maya Angelou quote I shared in my response to Deborah’s comment.
Sometimes when I am bothered by a trait in another person, I need to look in the mirror as I have that same trait myself. Holding grudges is such a waste of energy. The quote by Nelson Mandela says it all. Thanks Elda for another thought provoking post!
What a great point, Nancy. I remember the first time I heard that example of ‘traits that bother us in other people are traits we don’t like about ourselves, yet are denying’. I resisted this when I first learned about it and now that is the first place I go —“look in the mirror”. Thanks for bringing that up.
Great analogy…..I”m finding as I grow older those ‘grudges’ are becoming less and less important. Life is too short to waste time on such things!
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Isn’t funny how our perspective on certain things can change over time? Thanks for your comment, Debbie.
So true. I am grateful that on most days I can now experience life one day at a time. Resentment, like worry, is wasted energy unless transformed for positive use.
Nicely put, ‘wasted energy’. Thanks for the visit Kama!
Thank you for bringing up the topic, Elda. Sometimes it takes practice to let go of the grudges, even knowing they don’t serve us. I think it’s a fear we could forget and get hurt again. Don’t know. But, forgiveness is a gift to ones self and definitely a spiritual practice. Thank you for the wisdom.
Michelle recently posted…Blinded by Options
Perfectly said, Michelle! Letting go of grudges is a ‘practice’ in the sense that it is an ongoing act. It ends up being a conscious choice to move on. Thank you for your comment.
Great post! and grudges are something I consciously gave up years ago, but they still creep in from time to time. I feel as long as I am holding a grudge, I am the losing partner, the other person become the winner as they still have power on me. I’m going to listen to myself a little closer, I don’t know if I use the “if only” conversation with myself
What a relief it must have been to have given up grudges long ago, Vickie. You’re right, by letting go of the grudge we let go of the power they have over us. Fantastic! thanks