Have you stopped having a favorite family holiday ritual? Or maybe you have even removed a favorite family recipe from Thanksgiving dinner due to the fact that a certain family member is no longer involved in your life and it was their favorite dish?
Is it painful to think about the various memories from the past with this person who is still alive but is not a part of your family anymore?
Do you look with sadness at the chair they used to sit in, or the part of the turkey that was ‘their’ part and everyone saved it for them?
What is truly stopping us from having an enjoyable holiday dinner with people in our lives who love and cherish us as we are now?
What powers and advantages do we get from our state of being?
What are the benefits we receive from not allowing ourselves to fully feel our emotions and then finding our own unique way to work through it?
Many people are surprised when the idea of ‘advantages’ or ‘powers’ is presented to them. But if we look at it, there usually is a payoff, we just aren’t willing to see it or admit it.
For example, when one lady was asked this question of what benefit she was receiving from having a migraine every Friday night, she came up with a very surprising revelation.
She realized that this was the only time every week that she received ‘quiet’ ME time. During the rest of the week, she was busy with her career and then coming home to take care of the kids. But since her family knew she got this bad migraine each Friday night, her husband and kids let her be alone in peace and quiet.
Yes, this sounds like an extreme example but if we really think, we may be able to pinpoint the ‘benefit’ we receive for allowing ourselves to dwell on something in a certain way.
It is easy to believe that our emotions are outside of our control. Our emotions do not come to us. We go to them!
How does that happen? Through our body language, our thoughts, and the words we use – we create our emotions, and that in turn creates our behaviors.
Part 1 – BODY LANGUAGE and POSTURE=Physiology
The way we carry our body influences our bio-chemical state thus affecting our emotions. There is a great TED TALK video that explains this briefly. “Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are” that has been viewed over 21 million times. (Click here to watch the video)
Our non-verbal actions govern how we think and feel about ourselves. Our bodies CAN change our minds!
Part 2 – OUR THOUGHTS=Focus
Our thoughts are things. What we think about has so much power over us. Where are we placing our mental focus? Is it on the way it used to be? Or are we focusing on the way we WISH things could be?
Whatever we focus on will determine how we experience the world. Can we put our mental focus on something that is good in our life right now? How about if we focus on those that are with us during the holiday right now? Be in the present moment. We could focus on enjoying the now instead of dwelling on the past or the future.
Part 3 – OUR WORDS=Language
How we choose to speak controls the way we express and present our experience. What words are we using when asked about the estranged family member?
Physiology, Focus, and Language create the MEANINGS that determine how we experience our life.
What posture are we using? What thoughts are we focusing on? What language are we using?
“TINY TWEAKS can lead to BIG CHANGES”
-Amy Cuddy
What tiny tweaks might you start working on during this holiday season? Please share your thoughts below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
I’m so happy to be here right now. That is the statement that is true for me today, and can be true for me during a holiday. Practicing it today can help me to practice it on future todays. Good post, thank you!
That is a SUPER statement Janet! I am happy you are here right now too. Thank you for sharing…
Hi Elda,
I would feel so sad if any of my family members were not there. We do have some that are not there, but only because of distance and cost and not because of not getting along. I think that would be really hard. I am so grateful for your posts. You always bring up such important topics and I think that the holiday season is a good chance for us to try again to mend those breaks. I know it is hard when you are in the middle of a difficult time with a family member to reach out, especially if you feel that they are the one who should be apologizing but I think that the person who is wise enough to let go is the one who should break the ice. The important thing is to heal the wound and not who starts the healing process.
Amy Putkonen recently posted…Scattered Life Collective: November 21st
Thank you for visiting Amy! I am glad that these posts resonate with you as important topics for everyone to hear and learn. I appreciate your comment.
I think it’s such an empowering perspective to truly know that we’re in charge of only ourselves. And that’s a plenty big project, but so fascinating and so delightful and so on-going. But when we remember that we can let go of any idea of shifting anyone else or their thoughts or their behaviors. That part is up to them. but we get to choose our thoughts and behaviors. Really interesting TED talk – thanks for pointing it out.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Miscellany: R is for…
Did you practice any of the ‘Power Poses’ from the TED talk Deborah? It’s fascinating to watch ourselves transform simply from the way we hold our body!
Yes, ‘to truly know that we’re in charge of only ourselves. And that’s a plenty big project’. You really hit it right on with that statement and the one following it. Thanks so much for stopping by.
“What is truly stopping us from having an enjoyable holiday dinner with people in our lives who love and cherish us as we are now?”
Thank you Elda. This time of year is difficult for me. Even though I love my family, it is dificult for me to be around them. I feel like they want me to be someone who I am not. Perhaps I need to sit with this some and see what that is reflecting in my thoughts about them. Love and cherish them exactly as they are in this very moment.
Thank you for sharing so transparently of youself. xoxo
Amy Joy recently posted…Free Yourself from the ‘Perfect Trap’
Thank you for sharing Amy. The times that are difficult for us is when we can choose to lean on those that are near and dear to us and do accept us for who we are!
Also, we could try some of those ‘Power Poses’ before we meet with people that we feel want us to be someone else. This way we feel more empowered.
I’ll be focusing on focus I think (ok, not the best sentence in the world, but you get it). If I focus on the little enjoyable moments they all add up even if the whole doesn’t look that attractive to begin with.
Tat recently posted…What dance has taught me about balance
“If I focus on the little enjoyable moments they all add up even if the whole doesn’t look that attractive to begin with.” – Brilliant Tat! Thanks for sharing.
Elda……….Your blog posts are truly incredible. I do not have estrangement issues, but always find that your content stretches my mind, and also provides a great reminder of important life lessons. I appreciate the links that support and further enhance your messages.
Today, for me, it was good to be reminded that my emotions create my behaviour, and how important it is to focus ‘on the now’, which is an ongoing challenge!
I appreciate it when you visit Joyce! Glad you enjoy the links to other content in my posts. Thank you for focusing on ‘the now’ by commenting here today! 🙂
‘The best feeling of HAPPINESS is when you are happy, because you have made someone else happy.’
This quote is how I feel around the holidays. I have some friends and family members who are going through some difficult times for different reasons. Just knowing that I can make a difference with a holiday meal, or other tokens of love, is all I need for happiness.
Elda, your thoughts on the Tiny Tweaks is the path I am going to follow. I hope to witness some Big Changes in peoples lives.
Thank you.
What an excellent quote to live by Eric! Thank you for sharing. I am sure all of your actions are truly making a difference in people’s lives. Yay for Tiny Tweaks on the way to Big Changes!
Such a timely topic Elda. A family member is going through a major health crisis at the moment. As a result cousins I haven’t heard from for a long time are rallying around and providing support both online and in person. I am reminded of the fact that when the chips are down true love rises up. It does indeed.
Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…Thanksgiving Side Dishes
Thank you for sharing your most recent experience with this Kelly. I appreciate your visit and comment here.
Great blog Elda! Love your wisdom.
Christine G. recently posted…Yay for Sisters!
Thanks for stopping by Christine!
Hi Elda,
New to your blog (I think). Great timely message on putting things in perspective during the holidays. In my experience, sometimes moving away (or taking a break from) holiday traditions can be as comforting as embracing them – body language, thoughts and words aside.
Nanette Levin recently posted…Regrouping for small business success
Welcome to the blog Nanette! SO glad you found your way over here. Thank you for your input on taking a break from traditions during the holidays.