Isn’t it funny how if we were to examine it, that fights are all the same?
Basically two people might be yelling, accusing, or running away. However they choose, they are doing whatever they do best other than tell the other person what they really feel.
How about if we ‘talk’ instead of run away from the situation? Or ‘reveal’ what it is that is bothering us rather than attack?
Conflict is all around us, touching every relationship we have. Fighting – is like eating, breathing, or sleeping. We all do it, just in our own way.
It’s never about the subject we’re fighting about
Look deeper. Learn to ask questions together to find the source of the issue. Could it be as simple as one person is overly tired, in fact exhausted or possibly has low blood sugar? Maybe one person is creating the drama to receive attention because in fact they are feeling insecure or lonely?
It may have nothing to do with us but instead it is about their stories that they have in their head of a memory of a similar situation at another time. Their brain is reacting to protect them from repeating that same experience.
Although these ideas may seem a bit bizarre at first glance, when we can be clear with each other about what the root cause is, we will have a much better chance of arriving to some sort of resolution by speaking things through reasonably than if we allow ourselves to react in these situations.
“In all tests of character, when two viewpoints are pitted against one another, in the final analysis the thing that will strike you the most, is not who was right or wrong, strong or weak, wise or foolish…. but who would go to the greatest lengths in considering the other’s perspective. ”
–Mike Dooley
Are we brushing it off?
Many of us find it easier to brush off how we really feel rather than address the issue. We think that is the best way to keep peace. Reflecting back, we can see a cycle of behavior from the way we are being treated because we don’t express our discomfort.
Do we agree to do things that either we don’t want to do or don’t believe in just to make someone else happy?
We end up putting ourselves in the position of victim.
We could take a gentle approach using compassion and express our concerns with what has happened or what we don’t want to happen. Take a deep breath to bring us back to the present moment. Then find the best words to address how we feel without putting the other person on defense mode.
I can FIX-IT
We have all seen it or quite possibly we are that person. The person who wants to help or protect a loved one from making what we think is a mistake.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to help the people we care about. However, there is a line. We could live our entire lives trying to protect our loved ones from hardships. Then what?
How has this person learned to cope? What if their happiness is not our responsibility? The world if filled with opportunities. Allow them the opportunity to learn and grow.
Sometimes all we need is to give the other person some space and the support they need to help them self.
Conflicts and relationships go hand in hand. It’s not about IF a conflict occurs, it is more about WHEN it occurs. Since some sort of conflict will arise at one time or another, how we actually resolve (or avoid) conflicts does matter.
Where in your life can you seek out to make a change in regards to conflict? Please share your comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
I don’t have a lot of conflict in my life. In the past because I ran away from it and now because I find ways to be prevent conflict, not by avoiding, but by taking responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. I try to see a conflict situation with the eyes of compassion. What led to a person being so annoyed, upset, angry? What thoughts must be going around in their mind? Of course I have an emotional response if someone gets angry at me. However I have discovered that there is a gap between receiving information and delivering information. I can use this gap to take a couple of breaths and to take in the whole scenario. There doesn’t have to be an instant response. If I can calm myself, see the situation with compassion and take responsibility for my own reactions, then conflict doesn’t have to escalate.
Kama recently posted…Comment on Those Days When Even Lucky Rocket Ship Underpants Don’t Help by SKJAM!
You have some EXCELLENT tips in your comment here Kama! Thank you. Following those actually do bring us to a compassionate state of mind and what a great goal that is! THANK YOU for sharing.
I’m so helpless when dealing with conflict… I tend to avoid it until perhaps it’s too late, and then I regret it but do it again! :/
Lily Lau recently posted…World’s Most Expensive Homes
You are noticing the habit that presents itself. Give your self some credit there. That is the first step. Hopefully you found some of these tips helpful. Thanks so much for visiting Lily!
You offer some very good questions to explore Elda.
Like Kama, conflict doesn’t show up much for me, and interestingly probably for the same reasons she mentions. I hold myself and everyone else as powerful sovereign beings responsible for our own choices and actions and I do my very best to hold loving-kindness as the energetic address I want to be in.
Deborah Weber recently posted…2015 Grow Your Blog
Ahhh…. Loving- Kindness. That is my most favorite trait to observe in other people and myself. Thanks so much for sharing Deborah.
Great tips many times were too busy arguingto take time to communicate and to discuss what the real problem is thanks
Yes, communication is key. So it is important to take time to step back and find out the real issue. Thanks for visiting, Clair.