Did yo
u miss the most recent family holiday gathering because you felt like you weren’t wanted due to being the Black Sheep of the family?
Or maybe you went to the event and even being surrounded by lots of people, you felt lonely because you felt like you just didn’t belong?
There are many different reasons that people might feel this way.
Here are some of the most common. Which one do you identify with?
- Your family is not happy with your choice of profession. They think you would be better off if you followed a more traditional family line of work.
- The person you are dating or married to doesn’t fit into your family’s standards of the person they would like you to be with.
- They are hung up on your past about activities or people that you associated with that they didn’t approve of.
- Religion is an off-limits topic because you broke the cardinal rule and strayed from the family religion.
- Everyone in the family looks at you as the Rebel so that makes you feel like it is always a ‘me’ vs. ‘them’ mentality anytime you are around them.
- You have a sense of ‘worthlessness’ anytime you are around your family because you never seem to be ‘good enough’ or ‘as good’ as so-and-so.
- You disagree with the way a situation was handled within the family.
- Whenever you see a child in the family receiving discipline you hear the parent exclaim, “This is for your own good because we don’t want you to end up like ____(insert your name).”
What can you do if you are faced with one of these or even a different reason for believing you are the Black Sheep of your family?
Eliminate Unnecessary Worry
It is important that we realize that the way people treat us is actually a reflection of them and their own internal issues they are trying to deal with.
Yes, you may have made some pretty serious mistakes in your life, but name ONE person that has never made one! Just because you made mistakes doesn’t mean that you are the source of all that is wrong in your family.
Try not to waste your time trying to justify your choices to them whether it is the way you dress or who your life partner is etc. If however, you are hurting yourself or others with addictions or abuse, listen to the concerns of professionals. And then remember, YOU are ultimately responsible for your behavior. Your family may be trying to help albeit in a fashion that you may not understand. Realize where their heart is.
Bring It To Their Attention- Demand Respect
Have you discussed your feelings with them? Maybe they don’t even realize how their actions or words are affecting you.
Tell them how you feel. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to them in person, think about writing them a letter in a respectful tone addressing your feelings. Avoid using ‘YOU did this’ statements and stick to ‘how this made me feel’ statements. No one can deny you what your feelings are because they are just that- YOUR FEELINGS.
Even if we are not in the most favorable light with family members, we all deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. Make sure you treat others with respect and that you demand to be treated with respect as well.
Stand up for yourself when it comes to sarcastic comments or mean jokes, etc. Immediately address these in a direct and respectful manner. Make sure they understand that these comments or actions are inappropriate. Then let it go.
Remember: You Aren’t What People Say You Are
We are all unique.
Sometimes, people in our life may weigh us down with their desires and expectations. Because of not following these expectations, we begin to believe that we are the problem and then beat ourselves up over this.
What about you? You can continue to allow others to ‘nit-pick’ at your life and how you are not fulfilling their dream or you can show them who you are and be PROUD of being the unique person that you are.
“The world needs that special gift that ONLY YOU have.”
– Marie Forleo
Let Go Of The Black Sheep Label
Are you creating a label for yourself that no one else sees? Or are there people that actually refer to you as the Black Sheep?
Hang out with people who ‘get you’ and celebrate you and accept you the way you are. Ask them for support or reach out for professional support if needed.
Be willing to let go of being identified as the Black Sheep or ‘rebel’, even if it is the only way you have come to address yourself. You CAN redefine who you are. Let go of that part of your past so that you are not taking that feeling into your workplace, school, and other relationships apart from your family.
While we cannot control others and how they act, we can give up our story of being the Black Sheep and be the person we were meant to be by demonstrating compassion to our own self.
What actions can you take to redefine who you are and let go of the past? Please share your comments below.
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Thank you for the permission to be who we are. Wonderful post!
Thanks for visiting Michelle!
I love this because I bet we’ve all felt this way… I certainly have. I do try to surround myself with those that get me but there’s always family and it’s rough sometimes!
Naomi recently posted…Rerun: Letting in the light
Yes, and each person is different on how they decide to deal with these feelings. Some keep the thought of being the Black Sheep to themselves even though it is a deep thought while others are very vocal about it.
Thanks so much for the comment Naomi!
I think fully embracing our own unique wonderfulness is huge in then allowing ourselves to see and embrace the uniqueness of everyone else.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Fool: E is for…
What an excellent choice of words Deborah! “Unique wonderfulness”. Love it.
I know families that treat one of their members in that way and it breaks my heart. I don’t remember my parents being the most accepting people in the world when I was growing up, but either this is due to my interpretation of things and not what was really going on or they have developed a lot of tolerance with age, and I am grateful for that.
Tat recently posted…When you need to let go of the old to make space for something new
The fact that you recognize the way this person is being treated is huge Tatiana! You being part of a support system for a person experiencing these feelings can make the world of difference to someone. Thank you so much for sharing.
I like how you say: Hang out with people who celebrate you”. Yes! That is perfect. Life is short and we should never let another person take away our light!
Crystal Bissonnette recently posted…Ready…Set…Go! Time for Another Half Marathon!
It feels good to be able to be around like-minded people, doesn’t it? Thanks for visiting Crystal!
Great article. I don’t feel this way in my own family but I have in my husband’s family. A couple of his family members have worked hard to make sure I didn’t feel welcome. That isn’t my story any longer. I have finally been able to let go of how they feel. I even hosted Easter this year for his family and I attended a Christmas event without him because he was sick. I’m not going anywhere and I feel it’s important to own that space in a non-confrontational way.
Michele Bergh recently posted…Are You Living Your Truth?
The fact that you were able to turn that around is HUGE! Thank you for sharing your story, Michele. It’s so important to see that others that may have gone through this were able to shed light on a new leaf. THANK YOU!
Excellent article and advice. I’ve shared it in the hopes that it will help friends I know. I’m not the black sheep; I’m often held up as the one who was responsible and doing the right things — until I followed my heart and moved to Missouri. I know my family is still proud of me, even though they can’t figure me out half the time. Thank you for sharing this excellent information.
Mary recently posted…Safety First (Motivation Monday)
Good for you for following your heart Mary! Thank you for sharing the article. I am glad to hear you found it useful.
I like your suggestion that folks write a letter if they feel uncomfortable saying it in person. The intention might have a better chance of getting across if one isn’t bogged down with sudden emotion. Great suggestion.
Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…Trophies and Awards. Really?
Thank you for recognizing that note Kelly!
We do need to be careful with this step because just as people are finding with texting and emailing, it is hard to be able to decipher the tone. However, I do recommend writing rather than holding in our feelings.
Your tips here are not only useful to apply to family situations (we all have our stories), but also any groups we interact with. Who can claim they’ve never been in a situation where they felt they didn’t meet the expectations of others?
Nanette Levin recently posted…Driving into Darkness
What a wonderful point you bring up Nanette! Yes people can feel this way whether they are at work, at school, or any sort of event. Thanks for your comment.