How many times after a family event have you said that to yourself? Did someone do something at this special family occasion that really got under your skin? In your eyes, did they spoil the whole thing for you?
What if we were to really know them and what makes them tick? Might this make a difference?
Think about a time that you have felt deep feelings about someone so much so that it seems that nothing this person does could ever be wrong.
How could we implement that idea into this family member that is getting on our nerves?
We may think that love is something that happens to us. (think of falling in love when we least expect it) What if we look at love as an action? An action where what matters most to the other person also matters to us.
Here are two examples:
36 Questions That Lead To Love
There is this quiz that gained a lot of buzz around how you could possibly fall in love with a stranger just by answering 36 questions (click here to read the questions and be sure to click the back button to return to this post) and then after answering each of the questions you gaze into each others eyes in silence. (The study showed that people did end up getting married from doing this quiz)
I can hear it already, you ask yourself,
“What does knowing the answer to question # 4 (What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?) have to do with my relationship with _____ in my family who I can’t stand right now?”
Or perhaps you ask yourself, “ How will me knowing the answer to #18 (What is your most terrible memory?) help me get along better with ____?”
“Really?” you say to yourself, “What if I don’t CARE what their answer to #32 is?” (What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?)
You see, that is the whole point.
“The greatest need of a human being is to be understood, validated and appreciated.”
– Stephen Covey
In order for us to expect others to care about us, it just might be helpful for us to care about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to let them share with us and be open about what matters most to them.
The second example is:
The 5 Love Languages
This has been offered in a variety of books since the 90’s. (Click here to take the free online quiz- remember to hit the back button to come back here) The concept goes like this:
In order to feel loved or appreciated there are 5 areas people fall into. If we can figure out what ‘love language’ is important to the people in our life, then we can figure out how to really reach them and vice versa. By us being aware of how others feel appreciated, we can more easily demonstrate good towards them.
Remember the time you told someone ”Hey, great job at …..” and it seemed like they didn’t appreciate that you made the effort to notice them? Well, what if their love language is physical touch and what would have meant more to them might have been a high five, a handshake, a pat on the back or even a hug? (depending on the situation and who the person was)
Also, by others knowing what pleases us, they can more easily share their love in ways that are more meaningful to us.
Yes, we could say that we aren’t going to do it because they won’t reciprocate or the ‘why should I be the one to make the effort’?
Well, all there is to say is: It’s got to start somewhere. Why not be the first to make the effort?
Have you taken the 5 Love Languages quiz before? If not, click here to take it now.
I would love to hear what your Love Language is. Please share in the comments below.
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Great tools!! I love the 5 love languages and the information that practice provides. Really understanding how people want and need to be loved is life-changing. I saw something on the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon and Penny did something like the quiz…not sure if the questions were the same…they didn’t share most of them but the concept was intriguing. I’m going to check out the questions you shared for sure!
Michele Bergh recently posted…Mantraband Giveaway! What’s Your Favorite?
Awesome Michele! Come back and share what you thought of the questions. Thanks for sharing about Sheldon and Penny. I have some friends that watch that show regularly. I’m going to ask them if they remember that episode.
I think of myself as thoughtful, accommodating, and sensitive to the needs of others. I normally “Kill them with kindness” and I win over most that I know…with that said, I have a coworker that I try my hardest to please, but it just seems like there is some hostility that I am having a hard time overcoming. I like how you described the “Language of Love” and now you have me thinking…maybe she is more of a ‘Touch’ language because she seemed to respond well when I put an arm around her and said to a customer ‘I need her here, she has been working her butt off today’. I never thought of people having different languages of love, well put!
Lindsay Rose Gaffney recently posted…The Blue Butterfly
How observant of you to notice that about your co-worker Lindsay Rose! This tool really is helpful in all types of relationships. Like Michele commented above, it can be life-changing! Some people use this with their spouses and kids AND their co-workers and friends. There really is no limit. I too believe and try to live by the concept, “kill them with kindness”, however as you mentioned sometimes their version of kindness is different than ours.
Elda, oh my gosh yes! To feel heard and understood. Communication is a miracle, so any help I can gather to communicate better is a gift.
The 5 Love Languages information is helpful! My primary love language is acts of service. Next, words. My husband’s is a tie between touch and words.
And it helps knowing. For example, ee kept giving me presents and wondered why I wasn’t so excited by them and after learning about love languages, we’re better able to give what best goes right to the heart. Thanks so much for a great post.
When I taught Montessori preschool, one time in circle I tried a love language experiment. I asked the children, “How do you know your mom (or dad) loves you?” It was fascinating listening. Some said, “Because she kisses me.” (touch) “Because she takes me to the park. (quality time) Or, another, “Because she says ‘I love you.'”
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with such positive results with the Love Languages, Susan. It must be wonderful for you and your husband to now truly understand what makes each other happy. And the exercise with the children… BRILLIANT!!!
I think one of the biggest takeaways from the 36 questions thing is how important it is to take time to actually talk and listen to each other deeply. It really is a disservice we do to ourselves and our relationships the more we become reliant on connecting superficially and quickly – twitterizing our responses and quickly moving on to the next relatively unimportant thing demanding our attention. We don’t know how to connect and be fully present without distraction.
But perhaps that’s just my bias. Because my love language is words of acknowledgment, so clearly words are important to me. 🙂
Deborah Weber recently posted…Comment on Earth Hour 2015 by Deborah
That is very perceptive of you Deborah! Yes, for the study they mentioned that besides taking the time to really listen to the person’s answers, it was important to spend 4 minutes in silence gazing into each other’s eyes. Now THAT is truly connecting without any distractions!
I’m totally familiar with the love languages, but I’ve never actually taken the quiz and seen what my love language is, other than thinking “Oh, this is probably my love language.” So I went and took the quiz. I got a tie between words of affirmation (what I thought it was) and acts of service. Which makes sense. It means a lot to me when my husband does something for me, especially when I know he doesn’t like it.
Melissa recently posted…This Is Love
I hope you had fun taking the quiz Melissa! It would be interesting to have your husband take it too because sometimes the spouse is actually surprised. Most of us demonstrate our love in ways that are meaningful to us not realizing that the other person may feel differently. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Elda!
I love that first quiz. I am starting a parenting group on GoodReads next month and I think that would be a great quiz to have parents do with their kids! Thanks! I did the love quiz a while ago but I can’t remember what I got. I may have to take it again.
Amy Putkonen recently posted…I Ching Hexagram #21: Biting Through Difficulty
What a great idea Amy! How fun for you. Parents can really find out how their kids think and feel. Remember to have them do the 4 minute gazing into each other’s eyes when they finish the questions. Powerful exercise.
Once again – a great reminder to not take responses at face value. Think about the reason for the response. Such a relatable post Elda. Thank you.
Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…Lessons Learned Shoe Shopping
Thanks Kelly! It is also about how we can create a connection with the other person by recognizing them in ways that are important to them.
Coincidentally my recent post talks about learning to listen to others more often. Nowadays we tend to forget how important it is just to communicating ‘face to face’. We absolutely need to connect better and learn to be in the moment than just take for granted out relationships and time at hand. Loved the 5Love Languages exercise. My primary love language is Quality Time followed by Words of Affirmation. I agree with that. Because my husband and I love spending time together and it just keeps us so truly connected to each other. Thank you for your post
Hema Unnoop recently posted…10 Reasons Why You Need To Listen More If You Want To Help
I am so glad you enjoyed the Love Language exercise. Yes, being in the moment is in our various relationships is so important especially in this era where multi-tasking is such a prevalent action.
Thanks for sharing your Love Language Hema!
Elda, A good post. I enjoyed the detour to retake the 5 love languages test. My top 2 languages are a tie between quality time and words of affirmation. Now I need to re-research the love languages of those in my life. Thank you!
Janet recently posted…Choice-ful Spiritual Cookies
Thanks for sharing your Love Languages here Janet! Have fun exploring this with those in your life. What fun…
I’ve really enjoyed the Five Love Languages in the past, but had never heard of that quiz before. It’s fascinating! Thanks for flagging it. Now I’m off to go explore those questions.
Harmony Harrison recently posted…Miss Addie, Celebrity Diner: The Life and Times of a Very Picky Cat
Yay! Have fun exploring Harmony. Feel free to come and share what you thought of it and what those close to you thought of it also.
Thanks for sharing
You are most welcome!