“I’ve been thinking about our relationship, I don’t think we have one.”
This was a line from a new Netflix film called, ‘Otherhood’.
The person being spoken to disagreed until the point was made clear when they were unable to share 10 things they knew about this immediate family member.
Definition of Estrangement?
There are many times that I get asked what the definition of ‘estrangement’ means. I explain that it really depends on the person and what THEY are feeling.
No one has a right to tell someone else that what they are feeling is not serious enough just because it’s not the same as their own experience.
In the film, they liken their situation as ‘inhumane emotional waterboarding’.
Loneliness or Isolation
The most common effect estrangement has on people is the feeling of loneliness, whether it be a physical loneliness or feeling that no one quite understands what they are going through which creates an emotional loneliness.
This is true for both parties involved whether they were the ones who instigated the no contact or not. Friends or other family members may not be understanding as to why there is a separation.
There can be judgment from others which causes a person to shut down and not share.
I’ve even seen in some online support groups where some are not quite as compassionate to others because they feel their situation is worse than the other person so the other person shouldn’t be complaining.
Otherhood
I understand this film is a ‘dramedy’ that was created for entertainment purposes and yet, I’m sure it hits a nerve for many people on many different levels.
Have you seen this film? If so, what are your thoughts on this topic? Did it tug at your heart strings or maybe make you irritated?
I haven’t spoken to anyone that has seen this film yet so I am quite interested in what perspectives are out there.
Sending you much love and compassion,
Elda
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
I’ve not seen the movie Otherhood, but will definitely put it on my list to watch!
And I had a mini ‘light bulb’ moment reading your blog above – the definition of estrangement. I would have thought it was so defined but I now realise it isn’t. It’s about how a person feels. Wow. Thank you.
Yes, there are so many ways that a person can FEEL estranged.
Just a few examples of clients I have worked with is:
~ parent who now sees children 50% of the week when was used to seeing them on a daily basis before the divorce
~ Child who hasn’t seen a parent for months because that parent lives in another state but still speaks to this parent on the phone weekly
~ someone who was adopted at birth and feeling estranged from birth parents even though they may have a loving family that adopted them.
~ someone who still gathers with family members during holidays but feels all alone in the room, not feeling a connection with family member thus feeling estranged.
The list could go on however this gives an idea of how it’s really how the person FEELS.
It’s not always a cut and dry case of ‘no contact’ even though this is the most commonly talked about.
Thanks so much for your comment, Sarah!
“Otherhood” is a movie I hadn’t heard of until now. I will add it to my list and let you know. Thanks for the recommendation.
Estrangement is an interesting topic.
It is certainly important to identify what a good relationship is to you. They don’t just happen , they take action from both parties to make them great but are so rewarding.
I find conversations that get stuck in talking about the weather is a form of estrangement. You may be spending time together but when you leave there really hasn’t been any deep connection. Some people just don’t feel comfortable doing that which is fine. Everyone has there own tribe or network.
I am grateful for all of my relationships. The ones that are wiling to be vulnerable and grow together, seem to be the ones the shine the brightest and the longest.
Upon first meeting someone new whether it’s at a job or a networking coffee date or even a social event, many times the ‘get to know you’ questions begin with the topic of family (do you have kids/are you married/are your parents still living/etc).
This makes a family estrangement especially difficult because they may not want to elaborate on their situation which makes the encounter uncomfortable from the beginning leading to not building a connection with that person because they were put into a position of ‘defense’ unknowingly by the person asking .
Thank you so much for your thought provoking comment, Kelly!!
I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I’ll look for it.
I can relate to this statement in your post, “I’ve even seen in some online support groups where some are not quite as compassionate to others because they feel their situation is worse than the other person so the other person shouldn’t be complaining.”
I’ve seen this too, but I also see/hear the reverse from my clients, my friends, and even from myself–people refuse themselves compassion. They feel that since their experience is not, in their opinion, as bad as someone else’s, they don’t have a right to feel bad or to need healing.
It’s a great reminder to stop comparing (i.e., better or worse) yourself to others. It’s so natural and easy to do, but comparing is not usually worthwhile. Thanks for sharing, and I’ll look for the movie!
Such a great point you bring up. We do need to practice self-compassion.
We are all allowed to FEEL what we are experiencing. It’s honoring our body and like you said, “comparing is not usually worthwhile”.
Thanks for emphasizing this point, Michelle!
I haven’t seen Otherhood but now I’m totally fascinated. Loneliness is an interesting concept because it’s less about people around you but the way you feel. I like how you delineated by physical and emotional. Regardless, you’re right. No one can tell you how to feel or whether or not that’s okay. Thanks for this!
You have a way with words, Jess…”It’s less about people around you”!!
SO many times people think it’s about the other person when really it’s about us and how we are reacting to it.
Thanks for your comment!!
I haven’t seen this movie Elda, and it sounds like one I would be interested in. I know the feeling of estrangement on a deep and personal level. Feeling invisible, not seen, not heard, excluded, apart from, is incredibly paniful. It’s also a lonely feeling when it invloves a close family member, as in my case. I keep asking myself, what are the lessons I’m supposed to be learning from this experience.? This separation was not my choice and its painful, heartbreaking and sad. What I know to be true is, there is only one person I can change and that’s Nancy. Thanks Elda, for this thought provoking post.
Thank you Nancy for sharing your experience. I appreciate your vulnerability as there are a lot of people who can relate to what you are saying.
I remember Oprah saying once that all anyone wants is to be seen and heard in any situation. So when it comes to family, it’s goes even deeper.
My heart goes out to you. Kudos to you for recognizing that the only person we can change is ourselves.
Sending you much love and compassion for what you are feeling.
I haven’t seen it either. Knowing I am on the other side of the world and changing, and many of my friends and family don’t have any idea who I am anymore can be a bit lonely. It is interesting to think about, and you have my mind spinning in a really good way!
Good to hear the head spinning is in a good way!! 😉