Your stomach is in knots every single time you even hear the name of this family member. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t get any relief from these feelings so you make the biggest decision of your life – to cut off family.
All you want is relief from the pain and heartache, right?
Reasons to cut off family
There are probably about as many reasons for people to cut off family, as there are families out there. So why do some people manage to keep the family together while others choose to separate?
Family estrangement has no prejudice. It falls into families of a variety of economic status, culture, country, race, age, religion, or family status -such as whether it is a single parent household, divorced family, or a married family.
Family estrangement affects parents, siblings, grandparents etc. Someone said to me the other day, “Well, sibling estrangement is not as bad as a parent having his/her own child avoiding the family.”
I thought that was an odd comment because, “Who are they to make this assessment?” What if children happen to be best friends growing up and suddenly they are no longer on speaking terms in adulthood because of some reason or another? That can be devastating to them.
Most common reasons for estrangement
Each person is responding to their own belief system of how they perceive things are taking place. Here are just a very few examples of how estrangement can become a reality.
- When the safety is in danger due to physical violence or even mental health due to memories of sexual abuse
- Emotionally toxic environments
- Disagreements over an inheritance or dividing an estate after the death of a family member
- Family members disapproval for a certain lifestyle for someone – expectations not being met
- Boundaries are crossed – whether it be in words or actions, family members cross personal boundaries believing that they have the right since this is a family member
- Drug or Alcohol addictions
Can we stop pointing fingers asking, “Who is at fault?”
Seriously, what benefit is there for us to keep looking for blame or spend time comparing what each family that is experiencing estrangement has in common that may have caused the estrangement? EACH and every situation is different.
Instead of looking for ways to figure out which person is to blame, how about we spend time focusing on healing for each of the parties involved? It doesn’t mean that the person will decide all is okay and reconcile. It’s about personal, individual healing over the situation.
Wouldn’t it be a beautiful notion to have people get over the feeling of our stomachs being in knots at just the thought of that person on the other end of the phone or the thought that we can’t attend a family gathering because that person will be there?
Beware of getting caught in the family cycle
Without being aware, we may even be caught in the family cycle of emotions of hate or anger or distrust. Whatever the emotion is that you are feeling, look back and see if you see a pattern of certain familial emotions being passed on down from generation to generation.
It may not be as obvious because your parents or grandparents may have chosen to withstand the presence of people in their life because these people are ‘blood’ family however when we look deep into it, they may have the same feelings toward family, it’s just that they don’t stand up for themselves. Are we continuing these emotions and just doing it from a distance?
Isn’t it time to heal our feelings?
Isn’t it time we face what is really going on? Instead of burying our true feelings of what our perception is of the situation, we can WELCOME these emotions and work on healing them so that we can stop the cycle of passing these emotions on.
Contact me to find out how using the Emotional Freedom Techniques to address our emotions can free those feelings and allow true freedom. This is for your benefit. So that you no longer feel those feelings of anger, hurt or sadness over the wrong you feel has been done to you.
This is about giving yourself what you need to be truly healthy and happy despite your situation of estrangement.
Is it okay to cut off family or not?
This is really no one’s business except the people involved. There are so many aspects of the situations to consider as well as the consequences that would be different for each individual situation. People need to feel good about their choice. Some people stay away for their physical safety and others for their mental health.
If you are feeling physically ill just at the thought of the other person, then there is definitely some healing to do because staying away is not bringing relief.
Is there someone in your life that brings knots to your stomach each time you think of them? Have you learned to bury your true feelings just to play nice? Please share your experience below in the comment section.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Good insights. My situation has my sister enduring egregious emotional and physical abuse resulting from decisions that my parents made back when bipolar kids were put in insane asylums. Her wounds are so deep and between jealousy and blame, our relationship struggled despite my unconditional support over decades until she went way over the top. It has been awhile since we connected though I sometimes doubt if we ever did. Such background seem to exceed the normal bounds of understanding and therapeutic resolution. She seems much happier being outside and continues to strive to draw emotional blood that matches her pain with every attempted contact. Sad and at this point, just is. Love, gratitude, and praise for the lessons she teaches and prayer for her joy and happiness.
Welcome Thomas! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It can be very sad as you mentioned in your comment.
Many people that are not in the situation do not understand what it is like to be estranged from a loved one so it is important to search for support for one’s own feelings in order to avoid suppressing these emotions may cause us to become physically ill.
It sounds like you are focusing on the lessons to learn from the situation. I hope this has been helpful even though it can be hard at times.
In a previous blog post, I had also mentioned that people are here to teach us something. You are definitely in my thoughts. Thank you again for sharing.
Great post Elda! This is a tough topic to talk about. It’s not about who is to blame, that doesn’t serve anyone. It’s about doing my part to make amends and then letting go of any attachment to results or outcome. I don’t believe people do things to us. It’s about how I respond or react to their words, behavior etc. I have a choice and when I pause long enough to realize that, then I can choose how to respond to the situation and I am not reacting. Thank you for this thought provoking post Elda!
Nancy Jambor recently posted…A Joy Filled Retreat
Thank you Nancy! Yes, it is quite a sensitive topic to discuss, however it is so important for people that are in this situation to know that there are others out there also and that there is support for this important discussion.
Just as you mentioned, what is most important is not who is to blame…instead it is about finding a way to change our reaction to the situation.
THANK YOU so much for sharing here!
This topic certainly hit home. Two year ago, I walked away from my family. I just couldn’t take, as I describe, “walking on the glass any longer.” There are five out of the six most common reasons of estrangement going on in our family. Quite frankly my feet can’t take the pain any longer. So I removed myself. I am very glad I did. Would I like to think someday I could go back? Absolutely. It is a feasible option at this point? Not a chance. In my heart I wish them all the love and peace they can stand. I’m just not so sure their view is the same of me. I am now viewed as a traitor. But that is expected as well. Why would you jump from a sinking ship when you can go down admirably? I don’t like to swim in open water that’s why. A lot of metaphoric symbolism of course. This topic can be very heavy and thought provoking. Good article. Thank you for posting.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience Kelli. Each person must do what is the healthiest decision for them at the time.
Unfortunately, even though we may walk away from the situation, we still have those buried emotions in our cells of our body. These emotions get easily triggered because of all of the hurt we endured over the years.
Many of us have learned to ‘bury’ those feelings and that is where the real pain comes into our life. We need to seek out a way to not allow this to ‘push our buttons’ anymore.
I am so sorry to hear that you are viewed as a traitor. I hope you have a good support system of people who can be there for you and offer some emotional support.
Sending you much love and compassion for your situation.
i really understand this. I have cut off more toxic relationships, mostly friendships but at times I have distanced myself from family because their drama isn’t mine.
Laura recently posted…What I’m Loving and Have a Pinteresting Wed: The one with the Chicks
Welcome Laura! Thank you for sharing how this resonated with you. I truly appreciate your comment.
Great article. Sometimes in my case it is too late to settle things between family members.
I had a very strained relationship with my mom. I never got the chance to talk to her about why she raised us the way she did and why she did the things she did to us. I never got to tell her how I felt or show her how many emotional scars I had for not being loved enough. We were pretty much decorations as far as my family was concerned.
I lost her only a month ago and I wish I had to the chance to tell her these things. Instead I dreaded talking to her and avoided her until her passing. As a mother now. I make it an effort to have open communication and show my son I love him.
Welcome Dina! Thank you for sharing your personal story and your thoughts on the topic.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of clarity for you since your mother’s passing. No one can begin to understand what you are going through or what you are feeling since each of us react differently to our individual cases, however I would like you to know that you are strong in my thoughts.
There is a testimonial from someone on my Family Estrangement page of someone who was in need of healing after losing his family member and losing the chance to clear things up. It demonstrates that it is never to late to gain some clarity and find inner peace for one’s self.
What’s important for you right now is to focus on yourself and allow your true feelings to flow through. Whatever feelings you have, it is better to let them out in order to find that inner peace we all desire so much.
With much love and compassion for all that you have gone through and are going through at an even deeper level now because of your mother’s passing.
Thank you Elda! I’m still working through it right now. I am thankful I have a wonderful husband and three wonderful friends and a beautiful child to help me heal from this. In lieu of that I’ve been told I should write notes to myself in the morning based on my emotions maybe even art journal a little with those notes. And also pick up my camera. It’s been tough and with us getting ready to move across town it’s been even tougher.
I’m excited for a new place and to have a beautiful view and be able to go into my backyard. My current place has no yard to speak of and I’d like to breath in all that sea air. I think moving to this place will be beneficial for me as far as healing cause I can be outside with my son and I might feel inclined to pick up my camera.
Elde, you might know me from my travel blog, which is my passion, but I am a psychotherapist and currently also studying Buddhist psychology. Your article gives me another perspective of thinking about the issues that families struggle with. Actually, I must admit, I never thought about the dilemma of cutting off family members this way. It might be so useful for at work since many clients bring this into therapy.
Anna recently posted…1 reason why you should definitely go to Peru
Welcome Anna! Thank you for your sharing that this has given you a new perspective on the family estrangement silent epidemic.
Fortunately in your line of work, people feel free to open up to you because in a normal social setting, this seems to be a topic that is still ‘taboo’. This makes it even harder for someone going through this to seek support from people in their day to day environment.
One of my goals is to bring this out in the open so that people feel comfortable finding the support they need whether it is from friends in their personal life, professional support (like people in your field), holistic alternative support, or online group support. It is not necessary for people to feel alone.
I appreciate your comment Anna. Thank you.
I sometimes feel that pain in my stomach when I have a family function to go to with my husband’s family. Neither of his sisters seem to care for me much and one has said some pretty unkind things. In the past, I just stopped attending anything having to do with his family but now I’m able to go and enjoy myself and focus on those I get along with well and that works great.
Michele Bergh recently posted…Trust Your Gut
Thank you for sharing your personal experience Michele.
Those feelings of that pain in our stomach is so real to us and can prevent us from participating in activities that we would like to. It is so hard for others to understand what we are going through if they aren’t experiencing it also.
I am so glad that you were able to work through these feelings so that you may attend family events and are now able to focus your attention on other more enjoyable people and activities. That is so great!
Oh family. I am blessed to have a close and supporting relationship with almost all of my family members. However, there is a young cousin who has chosen to not connect with the rest of us. I am still struggling with her decision. I know I need to see it as HER decision, not mine. But it still hurts. Hopefully, she’ll reach out to us in the future.
Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…How Preschool Connections Saved Me
Thank you for your comment Kelly. The best thing you can do for her is what you are already doing by respecting that it is HER decision and even though people may try to guess, no one really knows what is the underlying factor in the situation.
Great information Elda. It is a tough topic but you have opened the door to bring this subject into the light so healing can begin.
Welcome Deanna! Thank you for your comment.
The very first step is acknowledging that we are affected by the estrangement. Too many times, we are in denial that it affects us on a regular basis because we just want to survive so we put up the ‘walls of safety’.
I am hoping that by shedding light on this topic, that people will understand that it’s okay to talk about and remove the deep seated emotional turmoil going on inside of us.
Great, thought evoking post Elda. It felt like your post was intended for me. Well there is one person in my family that makes me feel sick as soon as I think of them. This person hurt me badly. I haven’t forgiven him and I don’t think ever will. I have distanced myself from him. Moved to Australia just to be in peace and live life on my own terms.
I’m not interested in playing nice. I was brutally honest and wanted that person to know that they made a huge mistake.
Elda I thank you for giving me this platform to share a little bit of how I feel. I feel slightly relieved:)
Hema recently posted…8 Positive Ways To Discipline Your ‘Monkey Mind’
Thank you for sharing your experience Hema. What’s important to look at is how this ‘gnawing’ feeling inside our stomach may be affecting our life. As in your case, the fact that you moved to another country to find relief and still are the one suffering.
Unfortunately, we think by placing physical distance in between us, that will fix things when in reality it doesn’t. The turmoil is deep within us.
There is a previous blog post I think you might be interested in reading:
https://www.compassionatetruth.com/whats-your-poison/
I am sending you much love and compassion for your personal situation Hema.
I was estranged from my sister over 8 years ago. I never understood how she could just leave and not speak to me for this long. Not even respond to my cards and messages. My mother then started to not include me out my children to family functions. I am a complete cast out.
I feel so alone and the hurt runs deep. I am so unloved. My mother lives 30 minutes from me but will only email me. It’s once in a blue moon and I’ve stopped responding.
I’m 43 but feel like a wounded lost child.
This is the worse pain ever and it doesn’t go away.
Welcome RaChelle!
I’m sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing within your situation. I feel for you.
Feel free to contact me using the ‘reach out to me’ pop up to see how I can support you.
Sending you much love and compassion to you….