It’s Not About You
Remember the last time someone responded in such a way that you were taken aback?
Maybe it was a fellow colleague or a friend or maybe even a family member that made a comment about something you did and you were wondering why they reacted that way.
If you were to see someone reacting like my face in the above photo, what thoughts might immediately run through your mind?
Might you be thinking they are laughing at you?
Your reaction
What is usually your initial reaction? Do you find yourself getting defensive about your actions or quite possibly you were personally offended? Did you go over in your mind what you did wrong for them to react like this?
There is a famous quote that has changed my life since I first heard it years ago.
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
– Charles R. Swindoll
Everyone has a story
Many of us don’t realize (or we might forget) that everyone has a story. No matter what the subject matter is, each person has their own set of personal experiences that they are making reference to in their mind.
These experiences affect how they react to what we say or do.
The thing is, WE do not know what is going in on their mind.
This is something that happens to each of us on a daily basis if we are in tune with it and looking for this.
The Look She Gave Me
Once, I was visiting with someone where I was receiving a service. She was explaining to me that she was moving from this location and getting a job in St. Paul – the Twin City of Minneapolis. She was really nervous about the drive. We were currently in Minneapolis and her home is in a suburb of that.
After I asked her how long she had lived in that suburb, she gave me this startled and irritated look and coldly responded, “I was born in Eastern Europe and came here as a small child.”
A bit confused, I gently explained that I was simply inquiring as to how long she had lived in that suburb because she mentioned she had never been to St. Paul -which is only 20 minutes from her suburb so that surprised me.
She clarified that she had been there before, just not driven there.
I asked her nicely why she felt the need to tell me that she was born in Eastern Europe.
She then explained to me that some people comment on her accent and ask her where she is from so she assumed that is what I meant.
I told her that I didn’t even notice an accent so that never crossed my mind. We both laughed and bonded after that.
Take notice
I challenge you to take notice when someone reacts in a way that surprises you: a client, a colleague, a close friend or even a family member. Might you be able to take a moment and ask yourself (or the other person as I did) as to what may have made them react that way?
You may be very surprised that they have a story to share and you will find, “It’s NOT about you”… it’s about them and their previous personal experiences.
As for the photo…
This photo was one I took for a laughter yoga challenge. Beings I tend to be a serious person and really wish to be able to ‘lighten up’, I had taken on a laughter yoga challenge!
See, I wasn’t laughing at you!
Do you have an experience you can share about where you first thought it was about you and found out later it was not?
I would love to hear.
Sending you much love and compassion,
Elda
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
This is such a great reminder! I’ve found over the years, I’ve grown very curious about people’s stories because it sheds so much light how and why they react the way they do. When I step out of the “it’s about me” space and into curiosity, you’re exactly right. You learn about others and maybe even find a new friend along the way.
Also LOVE the idea of a laughter yoga challenge. I tend to be a bit serious as well and that sounds like fun!
I think it might be a natural human tendency for us to automatically think everything is about us. That inner child coming out. When we were children, everything was all about us.
It takes effort on our part to ‘step out of that space’ (I love how you worded that) and into curiosity. Good for you for putting in that effort, Jess!
Oh my gosh, first I have to say I love your photo! You look radiant and made me smile knowing something made you laugh so hard.
This is a great reminder. Even though I know it I often catch myself making up stories about what others might be reacting about.
A heartfelt question is a great way to get clarity rather than walking away in wonder. Thank you for your share. 💗
Thank you so much, Julie! It was quite a different experience for me to do the laughter yoga and yet it was quite fun.
I always tell my clients (and myself) to tell themselves a different story. It’s tough to do, but necessary when you don’t know the full story. You are right. Words, actions, tones, and even body language can be misinterpreted. It’s so important to live with grace and transparency. Thanks for the reminders!
Michelle recently posted…Beware of Jahr Null
Thank you for your comment, Michelle.
I have so much appreciation for your final sentence, “It’s so important to live with grace and transparency.”
So true.