How many times have you said, I “should” call this person or I “should” see that person?
Or possibly you say to yourself, “That person “should” be calling me, or that person “should,” allow me in their life?
We’re family after all!
No family is perfect or stays that way. It changes shape over the years and sometimes loses its structure. Every slip is another opportunity for us to grow, to give us another chance to change those things that we can and accept those that we can’t.
One of the biggest lessons in life is that we cannot change other people. We can only change how we respond to the situation.
Here are 5 reasons removing the word “should” from our vocabulary could change our life:
1. “Should” is what we think is true because SOMEONE ELSE told us so or made us believe was the best way.
We all have the right to carve our own path without being unduly influenced by others.
Each of us must earn our own independence and awareness by making decisions and thinking through the related consequences.
2. “Should” is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness.
When we do something out of obligation, our heart is not in it. When our heart is not in it then the result can sometimes be disastrous.
3. “Should” is criticizing
When we use the word “should” and don’t do it, we then make ourselves wrong.
4. “Should” is saying we are scared
We use the word “should” with anxiety and with the feeling of uncertainty.
5. “Should” is a way for us to go into ‘victim mode’
We can build an emotional wall and keep telling our self all the reasons we have to suffer and actually complain about how we don’t WANT to do this but we should, so we are going to do it.
What can we say instead of “should”?
How about saying I “could” or I “choose”?
By using either of these words, we are placing our actions in our own hands. It becomes OUR choice!
“We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.”
-Thomas Merton
Try saying an action you are thinking of and use the word “should”. Now say the same sentence and use the word “choose” or even “could”. How does your body feel differently when you change the words you use?
SO…. If you are about to think to yourself, I “should” call ____, ASK YOURSELF “How do I want to live and feel”? Then make sure you are telling yourself, “I choose to call ____.”
Now if we are also spending lots of time thinking, “_____ “should” call me because it is the holidays.” Do we REALLY want them calling us out of obligation when they don’t feel they need or want to? Why would we even want to talk to them if it is out of obligation?
People might not agree with our choices, but it’s important that we understand that we all learn in our own way and in our own timing.
Each of us, we are doing the best that we can with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that we each have at the time.
The events and circumstances that shape our lives are unique because each of us is unique.
Where in your life can you see a change by removing this one word from your vocabulary? Please share your thoughts below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Yes,I’ve made that change some time ago and it makes a world of difference. Now the moment the ‘shoulds’ come through, I always question them. Should I really? The answer is usually ‘no’.
Tat recently posted…Do it anyway!
Thanks for sharing your experience with this Tatiana! Yes, it is something to keep our awareness with. It’s so great that you continue to catch yourself and ask yourself that.
I’m totally with you Elda on the power of removing shoulds. When we operate from the place of should it is such a contracted energy, and there’s a heaviness about it. I don’t think any of us wants to be in that energy. I could or I choose is so much more expansive and honors that we really are powerful and get to direct how we want to be in the world.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Roots
How observant of you to notice the difference of energy that comes with each of those words Deborah! That is so true and so important. THANK YOU so much for sharing that thought.
Oh the pwoer of words! Was it you who also brought up removing the word “but” and replacing it with “and” or “however”? I can’t remember however I have been working on that and now I’ll work on my coulds rather than my shoulds. Thank you Elda for another inspiring nudge.
Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…I’ve Never Had The Courage To
Yes the same thought process for replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ or ‘however’ Kelly. I’m glad this has been inspiring for you. Excellent!
this is an important post and i couldn’t agree more with your thoughts here. Louise Hey is a lady who believes that should and should not are the most destructive words in the english language. this post is one of those we can’t hear often enough. Like you said we must give ourselves the opportunity to live our own lives and make our own decisions about what is true and or right for us. thanks and take care, max
maxwell ivey recently posted…From blog commenting and community building to podcasts radio shows and beyond
Welcome here Max! Glad this post resonated with you. Hope to see you again soon. Thanks so much for sharing your comments.