“What mother doesn’t see her son for five years?!? Sad.”
WHEN YOU HEAR WORDS SIMILAR TO THAT, WHAT FEELINGS COME TO THE SURFACE?
If you are someone who is #estranged from family members, there can be some very STRONG feelings associated with words like that. Whatever the feelings are they mostly come from the thought of being judged by others.
IS IT JUDGEMENT OR IS IT CURIOSITY?
Maybe, just maybe, those of us estranged might be able to secretly show the people making those judgments some empathy. After all, we could take into account that we don’t know where they are coming from, what their perspective or history is, or what experiences they have with a similar situation. We don’t know what they were thinking or feeling.
Most of us who are estranged from family members don’t ever like to talk about it because of the fear or thought of being judged. When we take time to think about it, the people making those comments really don’t have a frame of mind to be judging us. So why do we accept their judgment and allow it to affect how we feel?
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
Show yourself some compassion. You know about the situation and the way it is. They don’t. They are making assumptions about something they know nothing about. So why do we beat ourselves up about it? Why do we allow ourselves to let some other people’s words bother us?
ACCEPT IT
Accept that there will always be people out there who feel they have the right to comment on a situation that has nothing to do with them. People are who they are. It’s not our job to change them. Instead, we can learn tools to help us change how we react to other people’s words.
WE HAVE THE POWER
When someone shares something that doesn’t feel good to us, we have the power to not allow ourselves to take it in. Long ago, a wise person once told me, “As it comes in just let it roll off of you.” Our mind is OUR house. We don’t accept people into our house that we wouldn’t feel comfortable welcoming so why would we want to absorb those words into the house of our mind?
DO SOMETHING
Think about it. Words are just words. We are the ones that make it mean something that in turn hurts us. One very helpful tool is Emotional Freedom Techiniques. Using this method helps us disconnect the immediate reaction we may have to “words” or thoughts because many times this feelings we are feeling are just an automatic reaction. If we are serious about working with the emotional rollercoaster of how we react to other people’s words or ‘judgments’, please give EFT a try.
Let’s be honest and ask, “Have I ever felt judged by others because of my situation of estrangement?” “Do I tell others everything is okay even though inside it doesn’t feel okay?”
Let’s learn to take care of ourselves.
Please share your thoughts to these questions below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
While I’m not estranged from my family so I can’t speak from the perspective of someone who is, I find your post very helpful for everyone in navigating this situation. Compassion and non-judgment are game changers for just about everything. And what a great idea to use EFT techniques.
Deborah,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yes, I do believe that compassion and non-judgment are important for any situation.
I appreciate you stopping by!
The people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most.”
Beautifully said. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Eric.
Great reminder about self-compassion. I have several friends that are dealing with estrangements and it is so painful for them.
I appreciate your comment Christine, on the self-compassion piece of it.
Please feel free to check out my previous blogs for anyone that may resonate with the message. Each one is different but still speak of estrangement.
https://www.compassionatetruth.com/2014/10/
I love the words “Our mind is OUR house.We don’t accept people into our house that we wouldn’t feel comfortable welcoming so why would we want to absorb those words into the house of our mind?” I agree! I hope to remember. 🙂
Thank you for joining me on this ‘home’ of my blog Janet!
Recently, I had someone make a judgment about me at a formal event. I was taken aback. Wow! Doesn’t protocol mean being polite and not bringing up sensitive issues like “leaving one’s place of employment after 20 years” and “what about your retirement” and “never depend on any man”! I know I am not responding to the topic of estrangement (I could talk about that too). But what you are saying about our choice to react to negative things others say is so true.
I tried to breathe, forgive her for not having empathy for my situation, and then days after to “ex-form” her negativity and judgments.
Time to dance again! Thank you for this terrific blog!
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so true that this topic does not only apply to issues of estrangement so I truly appreciate your comments. Yes… Let’s dance!
“When someone shares something that doesn’t feel good to us, we have the power to not allow ourselves to take it in.” <- This is a life changing statement. How many times do we give our power away to others? We have a choice. We also have a choice if we allow ourselves to feel judged or not. I notice that when I am either feeling judged, or worried about being judged that I am mirroring my own thoughts. Oftentimes if I take a closer look I am judging a person, situation, or most oftentimes – myself. Judgement is so self deprecating. Thank you for your powerful post Elda!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on us mirroring ourself into self-judgment, Amy.
Other people demonstrating any type of judgment toward another person used to really be a big trigger for me. I finally had an ‘aha’ moment about what you mentioned. Actually the reason it bothered me was because even though I didn’t judge others, I was the hardest judge of myself.
I’m so glad to be here, Elda.
I’m not living with estrangement. However, I think when anyone talks about me whether favorable or not so nice, I remember that whatever another person feels, thinks, says, and does is about that person. Not me. That helps me not get caught up in what is not my business.
I am so glad you joined me over here Susan! Similar to what you stated, I try real hard to live by a quote I heard. I am not sure if it was Deepak Chopra or who but it goes something like this, “Other people’s opinions of me is none of my business.”
There is so much wisdom in this post – thank you for sharing it. I never thought I’d be estranged from my family – but things happen in this journey we call life. And yes, it is true, what people saw about me, is a reflection of them, not me!
I truly appreciate you joining me on my journey, Vickie. Yes, life happens. Then we ask, “what am I to learn from this situation?”
It doesn’t always necessarily make sense to us but at least knowing there is a lesson in there helps one tolerate or accept it more. Or at least that is my humble opinion.
I am estranged from my step-father who raised me basically my whole life. He is an unhealthy man who created a lot of challenges for me and my attempts to establish boundaries went unnoticed and I felt it was best to cut ties. That was 20 years ago. I have had people try to convince me to reconcile and I have felt a bit judged at times for choosing not to. I personally don’t believe we have to tolerate unhealthy behavior just because someone is family. It is what it is and I do believe it’s best. I know people can have a hard time understanding and that’s okay. It took me a while to understand my own choices and be okay with them too 🙂
I have so much gratitude for you sharing some of the details of your story, Michelle. You said it succinctly when you said, “people can have a hard time understanding, and that’s okay.”
That’s so true. That is their own issue to deal with.
I like what I read here….very good insights and helpful ways to deal with hurtful words. I’m not personally dealing with an estrangement, but I do understand that sometimes the most healthful thing that one can do for themselves is to simply and quietly walk away….
Thank you for dropping by and commenting Debbie!