Are you tired of people telling you that you should reconcile with certain family members because it is the holiday season?
Do you PRETEND that it doesn’t bother you when deep down inside it is eating at you? Why do we allow them to question our judgment when they don’t know anything about the situation?
Instead you think to yourself, “What right do they have to assume they know what is best for me?” Maybe you even feel a little angry about it.
Anger in itself is neither good or bad- it’s what you do with it that matters.
Anger could be used as a tool to change our current situation if we are to use it in a constructive manner.
Many times we have been raised to believe that it is necessary to repress our anger. But what if we used caution with these feelings and used it to create support for our cause? Could we possibly share with the person that this makes us feel uncomfortable and the topic is difficult to discuss? Here are some tips on how one might address an issue.
Pause
Take a moment to pause, take a deep breath and think before speaking. We can our get message across more clearly after we take a quick moment to pause.
The Other Person’s Shoes
Remember to think about how what we are trying to say to the other person might be received. It’s always good to think as we are in their shoes. Even though they aren’t seeing it from our point of view doesn’t mean that we can’t do that with them. Looking at it from their perspective will help us convey our message in a way they may be able to understand.
No One Size Fits All
Just because the way we expressed our true feelings to one person worked one time doesn’t mean it will work each time. Be flexible with each person and situation. Each person is unique because they each have their individual life experience which have molded how they respond.
The “meaning” we assign to our experiences – whether pleasurable or stressful is a very powerful factor in determining the quality of our lives.
We don’t get to choose if we get hurt in this world (we are human after all) but… we do have a say in WHO hurts us by our choices. We can CHOOSE to stop pretending that it doesn’t bother us when we feel judged by others comments about our situation.
Even the smallest moment is in view of the magic of possibilities if we keep our eyes open. This is the time we can drop our mask and reveal our true self. This is the moment when everything is re-written.
“When one is pretending the entire body revolts.”
-Anaïs Nin
Where in your life are you PRETENDING that everything is okay? How can you stop repressing your anger and use it constructively to address a situation that has been bothering you? Please share your comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Thoughtful post Elda and I agree. I think we can use all our emotions as clues, including anger. And then use that information to steer ourselves in the direction we prefer. So anger about someone suggesting they know what is best for us is a wonderful clue to practice our own nonjudmental acceptance that we’re all going to feel differently about things and it’s up to us to choose what’s right for us; and secondly that it’s not necessary to swallow our truth – that we can express what we believe without the need to convince anyone else to change their opinion. This is where I think non-violent/compassionate communication is so important.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Miscellany: X & Y is for…
“… it’s not necessary to swallow our truth – that we can express what we believe without the need to convince anyone else to change their opinion.” NICELY stated Deborah! Thank you for sharing the point on non-violent/compassionate communication also.
I agree – it is a very thoughful post. Anger can be your friend if you use it the correct way. To use it constructively is the first step I believe in controlling the gremlins in your head. You have to find your own truth and your own way. Something that is worth working on.
Vickie Martin Conison recently posted…SWEET HOME ALABAMA
Usually we are not taught that anger can be our friend. Thank you for pointing that out Vickie. I also like the vision of controlling the gremlins in our head! 🙂
When I hear things that make me angry, from family members, friends or co-workers, I have to put them into perspective. Is it a true statement? Is it just a reaction? And will it make a difference tomorrow? I can’t let my quick and stupid reaction to a nonsense comment made to me affect who I am. I am known as the peace-keeper in the family and I can see through all the bull that goes around.
EXCELLENT questions to ask ourself before reacting! Thank you for sharing that Eric. One note of caution as a peace-keeper is to add this question, “Am I or is he/she pretending that this doesn’t bother me or him/her?” Just some food for thought. Thank you for visiting!
Anger is one of my most powerful tools. It can give me the energy to make changes, but always lets me know to pay attention! Thankfully, I’ve pretty much learned to no longer strike out at others with it, although at times I am still mightily tempted.
Linda Watson recently posted…Bookmark Moments of Gratitude
Thank you so much for your candid comment Linda. It is great that you have found this emotion to be a powerful tool to give you energy to make changes. As you mentioned, that is what happens when we pay attention. Thanks for visiting.
ANGER……..such a strong emotion! Because it is so hard to ignore, I am learning to look at it as a gift. I try to remember to stop, breathe, and ask the questions: ‘Why?’. ‘What is being reflected back to me that I can learn from?’ If I am angry because I feel that someone does not treat me with love and respect, is the emotion really coming up to make me ask the question, ‘Do I really love and respect myself?’ If I did, then I wouldn’t get caught up in my perceived stories based on the actions of others! Then I could make a choice to grow, and change my feelings about myself.
Thanks, Elda, for the amazing, thought-provoking posts!
What a great perspective Joyce. As you made mention of, when we have a reaction it is usually a tell tale sign of how we may be hiding some deeper feeling inside ourself. We do want to make sure we are not ‘pretending’ everything is just fine when in fact it is eating away at us. THANKS for visiting!
I was taught at a young age not to respond with anger (reflect first). Sometimes it works. Frankly, I get more frustrated waiting it out than just expressing and being done with it. Of course, there’s a difference between how to best deal with this in business and personal life.
Good thoughts, Elda, on how we assign meaning to this. Of course, I’m certainly guilty of assigning my meaning to others’ responses, but work on this constantly. I imagine I’m not alone.
Nanette Levin recently posted…Regrouping for small business success
Thanks for sharing your personal experience Nanette. Might your waiting it out and getting frustrated have some some connection to the quote from Anaïs Nin? Our body has a tendency to show us signs when we are in need of something.
Yes, we are all a work in progress. I really appreciate your comment. Thanks for visiting.
Lots to think about here…there are areas in my life where I pretend, because it seems easier than finding a constructive solution, but it’s worth at least trying. It would be another step towards integrity, which I have been thinking a lot about lately.
Tat recently posted…Completion doesn’t always look like a finished project
What a great connection between avoiding pretending and integrity Tatiana! Yes, sometimes it does seem to be the easier way to go about it but another thought is ‘what is our body saying to us when we hold it in and pretend everything is okay?’
Thanks so much for stopping by!