You really try to be a better person by letting bygones be bygones and move past your differences with a family member. Then a dreaded situation arises that makes you think twice about your decision. What is a person to do when family lets you down?
I had a negative experience this holiday weekend with a former estranged family member that I have allowed back into my life after many years. Do I go back to where I cut this person out of my life again?
Remove yourself
In the past, I would have immediately cut ties because I would have told myself that this person has not changed and I shouldn’t have to deal with this. However, I reminded myself that I MYSELF, have changed. I am living a life with more compassion and yearning to see things from a different perspective. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.”
Initially, to be able to dig deeper into what happened and why we are reacting the way we are, it is important to take some alone time to not allow other factors to influence us. Otherwise we may end up saying or doing something that is not a true essence of who we are or who we want to become.
Mum is the word
We are not in need of having people ‘pick sides’ over what happened or what didn’t happen, so we don’t need to get our personal tribe all up in arms by spreading gossip about what happened just to have someone on our side.
At first, we want to be able to take a close look at what is underneath our reaction. And really, we are the only ones that can answer the first few questions listed below. Once we have worked through these steps and still cannot find a different perspective than it is a good idea to find a trusted friend or mentor to guide us to a new view of it all.
Pinpoint the feeling
What emotion is coming up in regards to their actions? Is it disappointment, anger, disgust, sadness, fear?
Once we find the emotion behind the feelings we are experiencing, we want to ask, “Am I ____(insert chosen emotion) at THAT person or with myself for having a part in it?”
Then we can allow ourselves to fully MOVE THROUGH the emotion. If we are sad, take time to cry. If we are angry, take time to release this anger (in a safe manner). We want to make sure we move through the emotion and not stay stuck there.
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
– Charles R. Swindoll
Figure out the cause – change our reaction
After the emotion has been released, we can figure out what caused it. This step can take a little bit of time because it’s usually not what we think it is. Upon figuring out what is the real reason we reacted that way, we can find ways to change to avoid having another person’s actions affect us in the same manner.
Variety of ways to figure this out:
- Journal – writing down your thoughts without censoring it does wonders for finding out the why. Set a timer for about 15 minutes and let it flow from your mind to the pen to the paper.
- EFT (tapping) – do a few rounds of tapping. When we tap on one trigger word or emotion, we release the energy we have attached to it so then it leads us to another aspect of what may have caused our reaction.
- Meditate – this can be very helpful to quiet the mind (but needs to be done AFTER you have allowed the emotion to be released). When our mind gets a chance to quiet down, this allows space for fresh thoughts instead of ruminating over the same thing.
Gratitude
Even though it may sound crazy, gratitude can certainly change how we look at things and actually spurn us into ACTION that we may have been putting off.
In the past, I always tried to look for the lesson in what ever happened to me. Although I still do that, I now have added a new step: to find something about the experience to be grateful for.
Would I have ever asked for this to happen?
Not in a million years. Yet in an odd sense of irony, I am grateful that it happened because it did spurn me into immediate action about something else (nothing to do with said family member) that I have been putting off for years.
Who would’ve thought?!? NOT ME!
What about you? What do you when family lets you down? Please share your thoughts below.
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What a powerful and beautiful way to navigate this Elda. I love how you give yourself credit for being sovereign and in charge of how you react. I like the gratitude piece as well. When we’re consciously on a path of ever evolving, ever growing, it’s wonderful to focus on the shifts we are making. We only ever have control over ouselves anyway.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Beauty School
Thank you for your comment Deborah. Your last sentence is something I keep reminding myself in all situations even if it doesn’t involve family…”I have no control over other people’s actions only how I react to it.”
The gratitude piece has really put a different spin on it because not only am I looking for the lesson in what happens to me, I look for something to be grateful for…’the silver lining’.
Thank You for your authenticity and clarity on this! I especially appreciated the reminder to not get our personal tribe all ‘up in arms’. My insecure feelings of wanting to prove I’m right often resulted in getting other family members involved. Not so much anymore…I see how it just fueled fires and I am now consciously working at putting out fires in my life. I also love the reminder to find something to be grateful for in all experiences … that is the real gem for me that moves me to a higher vibration! Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Mary Welch recently posted…Full Blossom
What a key statement you mentioned about moving to a higher vibration! Thanks for pointing that out, Mary.
It’s so true. If we FOCUS on moving out of this low vibrational point we are currently at during a time of conflict, everything changes for the better.
There is a great exercise that is so useful in many aspects of our lives. I am sure that it could be helpful in this kind of situations, too. It is a mindfulness based exercise: observe items around you that you normally don’t pay attention to. It can be in your bedroom or on the way to work. Notice the colours, sounds, texture. The idea is to notice details. Try to feel the clothes on your skin etc. By paying attention to details we give a little break to our monkey minds. It is easy and can be done anywhere. If you are sitting, feel the chair against your body, notice reactions of your body. Just notice things, don’t judge.
I find it useful. I hope some of you will benefit from it too.
Anna recently posted…What is worth knowing before your trip to Machu Picchu?
EXCELLENT mindfulness exercise! Thanks for sharing Anna.
You’re so right. Often we focus on the other person’s wrongs instead of on healing ourselves. Excellent points here.
Naomi recently posted…The art of subtraction – on balancing your time
Thanks Naomi. I like to remind myself of something I learned years ago. Whenever we are pointing our finger at someone else looking to place blame, we end up pointing three other fingers in our own direction. So, always look at oneself first.