“Let sleeping dogs lie.” We have all heard that phrase before. Maybe we even use that when someone brings up the subject of a family member we no longer have anything to do with. And you may wonder, “Why bother? I don’t want to talk about it!”
The key question is: how do you feel when someone brings the subject up?
There will always be innocent inquires from people that don’t know you are separated from that certain family member. I remember once many years ago, someone at my work asked me, “Is your mother not alive? I have worked with you for several years and you never speak of her.”
My Choice To Separate
In reality I had chosen to not speak of her because I lived by the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, than don’t say anything at all.” So I chose silence.
But, how did it make me feel? Of course, it bothered me because even though it was my choice as an adult to separate, I didn’t want to be put in a position of having to defend myself to others.
NOT My Choice
Then there is the separation from the ‘Center of My Universe’. As my son was growing up, we were super close especially since all we had was each other. He knew he was my ‘everything’. He also watched me as an independent woman.
So when he first left off to go to college and the weeks turned into months, which later turned into a year or more, it was devastating to me. So much so that all of my friends knew not only was the subject of my mother ‘off limits’, now the subject of my son was also.
Whatever The Reason Doesn’t Matter
People try to come up with excuses for him and some of them might be right. “You taught him to be independent. You should be proud.” Or “You have to be more forceful in demanding time together.”
It doesn’t really matter what the reason is for his actions (or non-actions), what matters is that I have learned that I can’t control other people’s actions, I can only control MY reaction.
The Real Difference Now
For many years, I denied I had a child or a mother. I didn’t want to have to justify why neither one was a part of my life. I used to get frustrated when people would ask me innocent questions about family. It was something I could feel affected my body in a deep way. I would do anything to avoid talking about family. My whole body would tense up.
Now with the healing process of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), my body doesn’t tense up when the subject comes up. I see both situations from a different perspective.
A friend witnessed me giving a group session of EFT and heard me speaking of my son and how this has helped me get to the point of not anxiously waiting for an email or a call or some sort of communication. I have learned that ‘it is what it is’. She was in shock to see me voluntarily speak of him because for many years she had not dared ask about him. She could see the difference in me.
Why Bother?
I don’t react the same way as I did in the past when either the subject of my mother or my son arises. And if a new issue does come up, I get another EFT practitioner to work with me to remove whatever is blocking my happiness. Working with another certified practitioner helps me get to the ‘root cause’. They hear me saying things out loud that I didn’t realize I was thinking. Working with someone else who asks the right questions makes a difference.
Yes, EFT is a self-empowerment tool, and yet my raving fans of clients say they are getting such faster and deeper results by working with me. I hear you. I ask the questions needed to get you where you need to be. I share a special type of empathy with you because of my personal experience from both being separated by choice and not by choice.
Don’t YOU deserve to REALLY be free from the triggers that set you off? You know what yours are. Each of us is different in what sets us off and yet we all are affected in some way by denying this. Contact me to find the relief that is rightfully yours. It’s been almost two decades since my son went off to college, don’t wait that long to find relief.
How do people push your buttons? Please share in the comments below. You are not alone.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
What a wonderful testiment to the work you’ve done and how you’ve shifted to have your friend be so surprised. Well-done Elda!
Deborah Weber recently posted…Pumpkin Girl
Thank you for your comment, Deborah! I explain to people that the focus is not on trying to change the situation because we have no control over the other person and it takes two to change the situation.
Instead the focus is on getting us to the place that our body and our minds have no reaction to this issue anymore. We are truly FREE!
Thank you for sharing yourself here today. My mother and I didn’t talk for a year at one point in my life. I couldn’t be with her. It was my decision. At some point, we staggered towards each other and went through the rocky climb of forgiveness. I remember during that time her saying she hoped I never had a time with my daughter that she’d had with me, but what I heard was that she hoped I did. As a lesson, so that I’d know how it felt. Regardless of what she really meant, we’ve healed greatly from that time. I never had that similar event with my daughter but know that I now I would allow for it , somehow knowing that she needed it, just as I did so long ago. Thank you for reminding me, Elda.
kimberly recently posted…Day 64 – Honoring Those Who Feed Us
It’s true, we hear what we want to hear. I’m so happy to hear you are at a good place both with your mother and your daughter.
Thank you so much for sharing Kimberly!
Thank You for your deep vulnerable personal sharing, Elda!
Truly you are an inspirational leader who teaches me how to BE my highest Self and how to see my reflection in others. I honor you!!!
and PS … Yes, you are an empathetic and brilliant EFT coach. I know that from personal experience!
Mary Welch recently posted…Discerning Wisdom
I am so grateful for you Mary, and your openness to sharing how working with me has made a difference for you!
I am extremely careful about keeping confidentiality so I have deep appreciation for your comment.
Much love to you…
Elda, what a powerful testimonial for the work you do! You truly walk the walk as you share your deeply personal journey with us. Your vulnerability and courage shine through in this post. You are making a difference in the world Elda with the important work that you do.
Nancy Jambor recently posted…Another Abundant Retreat
Thank you for your comment, Nancy! I am providing a safe environment for people to address these concerns so when someone is ready to heal the pain they have buried, they know this is one option.
I am learning that by sharing my experience, people can realize they are not alone. Thanks again!
What a wonderful blog !!
Thank you Clair! The puppies got your attention didn’t they? 🙂
I have a person in my life…who I’m in contact with…who really knows how to push my buttons! LOL! I eventually learned how to get to ‘that place’ my body and mind having no reaction. Now, I just keep smiling…keep rolling along. My life is so much better.
Debbie Goode recently posted…My Trip to the Zoo
So happy to hear that you have gotten to that peaceful place with both your body and mind. Thank you for your comment, Debbie!
Really good work that you are doing elda. Hope to work with you again someday. It’s just so painful. I guess I quit too soon!
Thank you, Hiyala….. All in Divine Timing.
Thank you for sharing your story, Elda. I’m glad EFT is providing pain relief, and you can share with others to manage their painful situations. ~m
Michelle recently posted…Lightening the Load
Thank you, Michelle. I was resisting sharing my story before because each person’s situation is different so I was concentrating on them. I am realizing more and more that people really want to know HOW my life has improved and what I went through.
There is so much more depth and detail to my story, and yet I believe this much demonstrates that I have an understanding of the different emotions that go along with estrangement. I share compassion and empathy with my clients.